I Can't Lose You
by briel's Angel
Summary: Chakotay's love and support helps Kathryn deal with her grief after Voyager returns to the Alpha Quadrant
1. Chapter 1

**I Can't Lose You**

**Back Home**

He saw the swirl of her dress as she once again twirled around the ballroom dancing with one of her many admirers. He couldn't blame them for wanting to be in her orbit for even just a few minutes, after all wasn't that what he had been content to do for so many years while aboard Voyager.

They had blown their way into the Alpha Quadrant a couple of months ago and Starfleet, wanting to celebrate after having dealt with so much sadness, had jumped at the chance to celebrate. This ceremony had been planned for when the debriefings were finally over. The gala was quickly thrown together and the whole crew had been required to attend. His gaze rested on B'lanna who at the moment looked like she was going to chew her way out of the ballroom and yell at the crowd that had surrounded her asking her questions that had already been answered many times over. He sympathized and was about to walked over to help her when his attention was diverted as he once again saw Kathryn dance into his line of vision.

He noted that many of the Voyager crew were looking at him as if her had killed their puppies. Chakotay wasn't naive and he knew that rumors traveled quite quickly in a ship the size of Voyager. He knew that they were all aware of his ill conceived relationship with Seven. What they didn't know, and probably didn't care at this point, was that the relationship had never been more then two lonely people passing the time together. They had never even kissed. He was all to aware that the moment he crossed that line with Seven he and Kathryn would never have a chance to explore what had always been between them. Though Kathryn could drive him crazy in the deepest reserves of his heart he could never fully extinguish the hope that one day they would be together. So the day the ship had finally made it to the Alpha Quadrant he had talk to Seven and confessed to her that he was in love with the Captain. To his chagrin she had not been surprised and had confessed to him that she was afraid of the emotions that being home would bring. She told him she had chosen to go to Vulcan as it was her belief that she would better fit in with their emotionless exteriors and it would help her adjust to her new life in the Alpha Quadrant. He had to admit that the Seven that he had gotten to know in the last couple of months was someone who was compassionate, caring and kind and he was glad to have gotten to know her. Tuvok and his family had graciously agreed to take both her and Icheb in and help them adjust to their new lives.

He looked around the ballroom, at the faces of the people who had become his family over the last seven years. His mind wondered back to when they had been tossed into the Delta Quadrant. He had been so angry and alone with only a handful of people that he cared about. And now he had a family of over 150. With him and Kathryn taking on the role of parents of the crew. He took a drink of his champagne as he remembered all of the good people they had lost. He knew that even as Kathryn danced around and celebrated, and looked for all of the world as if she had no care in the world, inside she was probably beating herself up over all the crew members that they had lost and had not been able to bring home. Thinking of the families that had no one to run to and hug and cry with as the crew made their way down the Voyager ramp.

The two of them had gone out of their way to talk to those families and let them know how and why their family members had died. Kathryn had cried after each meeting latching onto him tightly letting him sooth some of the pain in her heart. She had, as far as he knew, not been able to reunite with her family as she had been busy helping her crew adjust. He had remained by her side, like so many years, making sure she was taking care of herself. Her tears tearing at his heart as she let out years of grief. He had held onto her tucking her in tightly to him as his heart broke all over again for her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Grief**

Kathryn had never danced so much in her life. She knew that at the moment everyone wanted just a small piece of the Captain of Voyager and as always she did what she had to help her crew. The more goodwill she garnered the better her crew would be received and treated. The freedom of her crew was all but guaranteed at least that was what more than one admiral had said to her as she danced around the ballroom with one after another.

She knew the look they were giving her, wanting to be the love interest of one of the most recognized women in Starfleet was in and of itself quite the aphrodisiac to these strong and powerful men. But Kathryn's only interest at the moment was her crew. She was tired, tired of all the false laughter, flattery and complements the brass was pouring on quite thickly tonight. They all knew that getting in with Voyager was a good way of buying goodwill from the Federation people. She was hot, tired and she felt sick at having to be here celebrating and being held up as a hero when she had in fact failed to bring all the members of her crew home.

She thought back to when they had descended the Voyager ramp to a sea of family and friends. She knew that many families would forever be waiting for the return of their loved ones. Men and women that had died because Kathryn had failed to save them. She felt that if her dead crewmembers were not able to be a part of a happy reunion with their families she had no right to have one of her own. She had called headquarters and asked them to deliver a message to her mom and sister telling them that as Captain she had too much to deal with at the moment and would have no time to talk with them. She told them she wanted their reunion to be in private not in front of the cameras for everyone to dissect and comment on. Her family knowing that arguing with her with get them nowhere agreed to stay away until she was ready.

She had avoided the reporters and cameras and with Chakotay, who all of a sudden on their return to the Alpha Quadrant, had once again become the solid reliable man that had help her keep her sanity through the many years of hardships in the Delta Quadrant. He had set up a private meeting to talk to all the families of the crewmembers that hadn't made it back to the Alpha Quadrant. Chakotay had stood by her side as she talked to the families and answered all their questions about their loved ones untimely death. Their heartbreak and questions making her relive the moments her crewmembers had died. Out there in the Delta Quadrant she had to tamp down her emotions and continue to do the hard work and keep the crew's spirits up. Though she had suffered moments of depression she had known that if she broke down at the thought of her crew dying she would have landed the ship on a planet to avoid losing any more of them. But now here seeing the grief of the families she barely managed to keep it together as she talked to them helping them deal with their loss even as her heart broke once again. The families left her office feeling better, not knowing that relieving the moments had left the strong Captain of Voyager raw with emotion and crushed with guilt.

She had been moments from falling apart in anguish when two strong arms had wrapped her up in a warm cocoon. She had know immediately whose strong arms she was wrapped in. She had turned in his arms and nuzzled into him drawing on the comfort and warmth his body radiated as he tucked her under his chin. She buried herself deeper into him needing to get closer.

"Kathryn" he softly whispered his voice husky with emotion. "Kathryn look at me" he pleaded. She lifted her face to look him in the eyes as his hands gently caressed her cheek drying the tears that had slipped from her eyes. She saw the adoration and love, which he usually hid from her, and felt his love in the gentle way he was caressing her. She was amazed by this man who she still very much loved ,and had thought lost to her forever, was once again offering himself to her. Wanting her to take comfort and strength from him and God forgive her she was unwilling to ever give him up again.

"I can't lose you" she whispered so softly that she thought he might not have heard her but then he bent down and whispered just as softly his breath on her cheek making her shiver. "You won't ever lose me love ."

Her tears started falling in earnest and she tucked her face into the nook of his neck. He rub her back softly her soft sobs braking his heart but knowing that she needed to release all of the pent up grief that she had stored for seven years as she took care of her crew. He could feel her breathing start coming hard and fast and knew she was close to losing control. Even though he had always wanted her to let lose and allow herself to feel her emotions they were in a small room in which anyone could walk in on them. This was not the moment for her to let out all the pain and hurt she had kept in for years.

"Love" he said softly waiting for her to lift her eyes to his. When she looked up her beautiful blue eyes red from the tears she had shed her hair in disarray from running her hands through it. Even in her devastated state Chakotay thought she was still the most beautiful women in the world and God forgive him, even though he knew this was not the right time, he could no longer hold himself back from doing what he had dreamed of for years. He gently raised his hands to either side of her face slowly lowering his head giving her time to pull back if this was not what she wanted. He saw as her eyes flicked to his lips and her breath hitched as he got closer to her lips. When he was within an inch of her lips, so close that his breath washed over her, he whispered "I have loved you and waited for you all my life" and then she had no more time to think as his lips made contact with hers.

They both moaned at first contact and Kathryn found that her hands developed a will of their own as they delved into Chakotay's hair pulling him closer to her. As the heat of the kiss increased she couldn't think of anything except that she couldn't get close enough to him. He removed his hands from her face and wrapped them around her waist pulling her up so that her feet no longer touched the floor. Instinct took over as she wrapped her legs around his waist her body needing to be in full contact with him. She was surprised at how possessive she became within a few seconds of his mouth claiming hers.

Chakotay was in heaven, her sweet mouth soft and plaint and he couldn't get enough of her he wanted to absorb her into himself his need causing him to unconsciously pull her tighter to him as he wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her off the floor. When he felt her wrap those beautiful legs, that he had dreamed about for years, around his waist he found himself unable to control the growl that escaped his throat. His thoughts were in turmoil, his pent desire for her coming to the forefront, feeling as if he would pass out from feeling so many emotions at once. Looking for something to keep them up he pushed her up against the wall continuing his assault on her body.

His hands were everywhere and the thought that anyone could walked in on them was quickly suppressed as his mouth left her lips and made their way to her neck. She threw her head back allowing him more access to her neck.

It felt like cold water was poured over them when they heard the first wave of fireworks quickly pulling away from each other. Their eyes glazed with the passion of only moments ago. She was breathing deeply trying to get oxygen into her lungs her mind whirling with thoughts that as Captain and she needed to go back out before someone came looking for her. Chakotay realized at the same moment she did the risk they were in of someone walking in on them because he pressed one more kissed to her lips and loosen his arms from her waist allowing her to unwrapped her legs and stand on her own two feet. He bent his head down to press his forehead to hers. Both of their breathing was coming rapidly and they were both flushed.

"We have to go back out there" she whispered her hands rubbing up and down his upper arms.

"Yes we do." he opened his eyes and made sure she saw all the love he had kept a secret from her and wanting her to know that he was serious " but I want you to understand Kathryn we only go forward from now on" he started pressing small kisses all over her face and lips "I can't give you up now after having tasted you" she smiled and answered him with a small smirk of her own, her swollen lips looking positively enticing " just wait until we actually make love Chakotay I may never let you get out of bed" She kissed him and grabbed his hand as they made their way out to face the crowds.


	3. Chapter 3

**Acceptance**

She stood out on the balcony staring up at the stars and knowing that Voyager was up there at that very moment. Voyager was being refitted and all the data that they had stored, for more than seven years, was being downloaded and would be studied for years to come by the best minds in Starfleet.

She shivered as two strong arms wrapped themselves around her waist. It had been three months since they had made love and true to her word every day was a struggle to let a naked Chakotay out of her sight for more than a few hours. They were still keeping their relationship a secret, but both knew that in a matter of days everyone would know. They had made preparations to go into hiding until it all wound down and even if it never did they didn't care, they had a lot of time to make up for.

He nuzzled her neck kissing the spot that he knew made her breathing hitch in anticipation of what was coming. "Chakotay" she playfully reprimanded "don't start something we can't finish Mr." he started laughing at the happiness of it all. She turned to him and nuzzled into him "Are you cold love" he asked as his heart exploded with love for this beautiful, stubborn, strong, passionate, loving, compassionate women. "mmmm" was all she said as a response.

He started taking off his suit jacket to put around her shoulders to keep the chill off of her. "Are you ready for this love" she looked up at him with such love and trust that Chakotay stopped breathing for a few moments.

She smiled that special smile that only he ever got to see "Well, if we don't tell everyone soon this little guy will blow our secret in a few months anyway" she laughed, happy with the unexpected news of the baby growing inside of her. Three months pregnant. By her guess she probably had gotten pregnant the first time they made love.

"Thank you Love," she looked at him confused "for giving me a family" he felt tears forming just thinking of the baby that was growing inside of her.

"Now are you ready to throw this party into a frenzy" he gave her a mischievous smile. He dug in his pant pocket and pulled out a black velvet box . In it were a set of golden rings, which if you looked at closing had the design of his tattoo on it. He pulled out the smaller one and grabbed her hand gently "I love you so much Kathryn, Thank you for being my wife" she smiled as she pulled the bigger ring of the set "I love you Chakotay and thank you for being my husband". She grabbed his shirt and pulled him in for a deep kiss trying to pour all the love she felt for him into that one kiss.

Together holding hands he reached for the doorknob and looked over at her with a smile "Ready" she smiled back "Let's do it" together hand in hand they walked into the ballroom ready to live out their future together.


End file.
